|stuff .... how it is lately
||[Mar. 31st, 2012|03:16 am]
I'm just feeling a bit sad, in fact I'm crying. It's this time of year I find hard to deal with, as I know anniversaries are meaningless really but it doesnt stop me thinking and remembering what happened. I often wonder if anyone else does or if it is just me. People dont like me to talk about it, and never have, even within weeks of what happened, except for a very tiny minority.|
So, in just under two weeks it will be the five year anniversary of when the man who was my partner, hung himself in my bedroom whilst I slept. This time its different to all the others, because April 6th 2007 was a Friday, and Good Friday at that. It was the actual worst day of my life. This year, April 6th falls on Good Friday once again and this makes me feel uneasy, I dont know why, it just does.
I still even today think about what happened and think if one detail had been different, maybe it wouldnt have happened and Andy would still be here, alive. Maybe he'd have done it another time, I dont know. What if's are no good to anyone I know, it happened, its over and the past is done. But even though I believe I have let go and moved on, this thing is always there. I'll be randomly living my life on a sunny spring day when memories of that day rear their ugly heads and they feel like it was yesterday. Sometimes they are of an overwhelming intensity.
Back then, in the immediate aftermath, there was a lot of untruths, chinese whispers and shit-talking behind my back. Someone even called me a murderer, though apparently in jest. I dont find it very fucking funny. People who I thought were friends fucked me over in a spectacular fashion and I did end up on a downward spiral. Someone said I didnt care that Andy was dead, I was just using it as an excuse to garner sympathy. This infuriated me, and I went from an already raging fire to something constantly exploding and self destruction. I think those responsible did hang their heads in shame when I finally confronted them about it, and so they should have.
The rumours were that I'd been unfaithful and thats what caused Andy to kill himself. That most definitely wasnt true and people should have known that considering that in the months leading up to Andy's death, I was never out of his sight for more than a minute. He'd sit in the bathroom whilst I was taking a bath for fuck sake, how could I have cheated? Also people said that I had told Andy to go hang himself. Whilst this is not true, there is a small grain of truth in it that, when he threatened, I didnt believe him and said something to the sound of "Whatever, I dont care what you do, I'm going to sleep because I am knackered" I dont remember all of the details because we were both very, very drunk but I know now that its not really my fault as NOBODY can make a person commit suicide. When someone does it, whether sober and of sound mind or not, they do it themselves.
His family have believed these rumours, probably on purpose because naturally they'd be looking for someone to blame. Me. I spent a long time being absolutely desperate for forgiveness from their family, I believed it would stop all the guilt I felt. I once said to his Mother that I am sorry but truth is, I'm not, not to them anyway, and fuck the forgiveness, I dont need it. I'm very sorry to Andy and always will be. But I'll never be sorry to them and they are hypocrites, they get nothing but contempt and a middle finger from me. As I've gotten older and wiser, I have realised that they have as much blood on their hands as I do on mine. Andy once told me they didnt care about him, they treated him like an outsider and rarely contacted him. I'm not sure how true this is as I know he started texting his mam and brother a few weeks before he died. Still, their relationships weren't very good and Andy regularly voiced his insecurities to me about his family. Thats why I find them blaming me hypocritical. They know it too but would never admit it.
All these different things I had to contend with actually very nearly did kill me. There were times I nearly bled to death because of how bad it got. Though a lot of the people I've spoke of deserved a huge FUCK YOU, there are people who I probably quite literally owe my life to. I will always appreciate everything they did for me. There a very special three who I'd like to mention because I'd like them to know how much I appreciated everything they did for me. Annmarie Ruddock, Jo Blair and Sian Healey. You guys were fucking awesome. Cant believe it I'm full of tears again now lol.
After that trip to hell and back, life took a U turn in September 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with Tyler. That changed everything and I started to live again. I honestly dont believe I'd have made it without the three aforementioned people and the news that I was going to be a mother. Tyler was born in May 2009 and after a turbulent first year, a slightly less difficult second year, things now are finally as they should be. I look at Tyler and see how precious life is, I am so glad I'm here. The love I have for my son is stronger than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I guess I've wrote this because everybody already knows I am happy and succeeding in life of late, but I'd like to make it known that I really, really cant forget Andy.
It will always be there, the horrible memories of what happened and memories of the nice times I had with Andy. People should not for one second assume I'm not going to mention him ever, because Andy, and what happened, the good and the bad will always be a part of my life. Life isnt supposed to be perfect and I cant just snip the bad stuff out and pretend it never happened. In a perfect world I would be able to forget, and sometimes I wish for that, but here we are in our not so perfect world and so I will accept that.