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Alien girl

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(no subject) [Mar. 14th, 2014|06:50 am]
Alien girl
[mood |apatheticapathetic]

Well, I've been up since 4am and I have to be at uni for 9. Between that I need to get Tyler fed, washed and dressed and to footsteps.

I feel a few different things about my life at the moment. I'm hopeful, I have so many aspirations for the future and I'm determined to achieve them. I'm slightly apathetic about uni though. At first I hated it, hated the place, wasn't keen on my classmates and was uncomfortable around the lecturers. Now things are a bit better, good days and bad days, but I need to keep my head down and stick in. Of course, as I'm really hopeful about the future, I'm also quite anxious. The though "what if it doesn't work out?" is niggling away at the back of my mind constantly.

In my time at uni so far, I have not gave it my all. I've been skiving way too much and explode into a massive ball of stress at the drop of a hat. All it takes is my bus to be really early so I miss it, or really late, to fuck up my day and then any hopes of giving it 100%, are gone. Stress makes it harder to concentrate. The transport is a massive factor affecting my attendance and stress levels, so much so, I've been taking driving lessons since last April and gonna do my test soon. I'd better fucking pass it because the thought of taking the bus for second year fills me with dread. Its fucking ridiculous that I have to leave my house 1 hour before I'm due in anyway. When I have a car, I hope that will be one weight off my shoulders.

The workload isn't too bad (although I do spend a LOT more time procrastinating and whining about the work on Facebook than I do actually doing the work) and for the professional skills module I'm getting a lot of Cs and Bs, for my biochemistry prelab report I got 75% (equivalent to a first, motherfucker!) and for other assignments I've done, well, there's an issue. We submitted our bioinformatics assignment, for the biodiversity and evolution module, in December. We were told to expect to see our feedback by the end of January, well... It's now the middle of March FFS. 13 weeks since we submitted the work, uni policy does state that we will always receive feedback with 4 weeks of submission. Bullshit obviously. And now the same thing is happening with an essay submitted for Cell biology & Microbiology on February 10th. So I don't really know how I'm doing, whether I'm doing well or not, at the moment.

I'm not going to point fingers, blame or criticise anyone because I don't want to get into trouble, but this is an issue and myself and a lot of my classmates are understandably pissed off. How much longer is this going to continue for? Do you think we might see some feedback before the beginning of April? I doubt it.

So yeah, I deffo have mixed feelings about uni at the moment and I hope I'll be much more positive in my second year. It just seems a bit of a farce at present.
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Cant express much about this without crying lol... [Aug. 30th, 2013|02:28 am]
Alien girl
But I am a happy woman. I'm off to uni in less than a month. I know there's no guarantee but I am hoping it gives me a chance of getting a job that isnt cleaning bogs, and a chance to give my little boy the life he deserves. As I said in my earlier post, after the shit time I had at school, teachers who didn't give a fuck, as long as they got what they wanted they were happy.

This time it has been very different, I accept that at this time in my life I am more willing to learn and ya know what? I've enjoyed every fucking minute of it, thanks to my tutors. If they were anything like the pack of eggplants who taught me in my secondary school days, I would never have stayed on the course, let alone completed the whole lot with 100% distinctions. My faith in the education system = RESTORED!

The four who helped me change my life and realise my potential, Cath Fortune, John Tyson, John Earland and Julia Meredith, to them I will forever be grateful. I cried like a pathetic whiny little bitch last time I saw them because I was gutted to be leaving Middlesbrough College, I told them about it, because all of it, the learning, the encouragement, the positivity, the praise, the grades and the support, I've never had that before. Until my time at Middlesbrough College, no fucker on this planet told me I could do it, most people laughed or said "I'll believe it when I see it". Yeah well when they see it, they'd better fucking believe it. Right now, I know my ambitions, I know my future and I AM going to have it.

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stuff .... how it is lately [Mar. 31st, 2012|03:16 am]
Alien girl
I'm just feeling a bit sad, in fact I'm crying. It's this time of year I find hard to deal with, as I know anniversaries are meaningless really but it doesnt stop me thinking and remembering what happened. I often wonder if anyone else does or if it is just me. People dont like me to talk about it, and never have, even within weeks of what happened, except for a very tiny minority.

So, in just under two weeks it will be the five year anniversary of when the man who was my partner, hung himself in my bedroom whilst I slept. This time its different to all the others, because April 6th 2007 was a Friday, and Good Friday at that. It was the actual worst day of my life. This year, April 6th falls on Good Friday once again and this makes me feel uneasy, I dont know why, it just does.

I still even today think about what happened and think if one detail had been different, maybe it wouldnt have happened and Andy would still be here, alive. Maybe he'd have done it another time, I dont know. What if's are no good to anyone I know, it happened, its over and the past is done. But even though I believe I have let go and moved on, this thing is always there. I'll be randomly living my life on a sunny spring day when memories of that day rear their ugly heads and they feel like it was yesterday. Sometimes they are of an overwhelming intensity.

Back then, in the immediate aftermath, there was a lot of untruths, chinese whispers and shit-talking behind my back. Someone even called me a murderer, though apparently in jest. I dont find it very fucking funny. People who I thought were friends fucked me over in a spectacular fashion and I did end up on a downward spiral. Someone said I didnt care that Andy was dead, I was just using it as an excuse to garner sympathy. This infuriated me, and I went from an already raging fire to something constantly exploding and self destruction. I think those responsible did hang their heads in shame when I finally confronted them about it, and so they should have.

The rumours were that I'd been unfaithful and thats what caused Andy to kill himself. That most definitely wasnt true and people should have known that considering that in the months leading up to Andy's death, I was never out of his sight for more than a minute. He'd sit in the bathroom whilst I was taking a bath for fuck sake, how could I have cheated? Also people said that I had told Andy to go hang himself. Whilst this is not true, there is a small grain of truth in it that, when he threatened, I didnt believe him and said something to the sound of "Whatever, I dont care what you do, I'm going to sleep because I am knackered" I dont remember all of the details because we were both very, very drunk but I know now that its not really my fault as NOBODY can make a person commit suicide. When someone does it, whether sober and of sound mind or not, they do it themselves.

His family have believed these rumours, probably on purpose because naturally they'd be looking for someone to blame. Me. I spent a long time being absolutely desperate for forgiveness from their family, I believed it would stop all the guilt I felt. I once said to his Mother that I am sorry but truth is, I'm not, not to them anyway, and fuck the forgiveness, I dont need it. I'm very sorry to Andy and always will be. But I'll never be sorry to them and they are hypocrites, they get nothing but contempt and a middle finger from me. As I've gotten older and wiser, I have realised that they have as much blood on their hands as I do on mine. Andy once told me they didnt care about him, they treated him like an outsider and rarely contacted him. I'm not sure how true this is as I know he started texting his mam and brother a few weeks before he died. Still, their relationships weren't very good and Andy regularly voiced his insecurities to me about his family. Thats why I find them blaming me hypocritical. They know it too but would never admit it.

All these different things I had to contend with actually very nearly did kill me. There were times I nearly bled to death because of how bad it got. Though a lot of the people I've spoke of deserved a huge FUCK YOU, there are people who I probably quite literally owe my life to. I will always appreciate everything they did for me. There a very special three who I'd like to mention because I'd like them to know how much I appreciated everything they did for me. Annmarie Ruddock, Jo Blair and Sian Healey. You guys were fucking awesome. Cant believe it I'm full of tears again now lol.

After that trip to hell and back, life took a U turn in September 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with Tyler. That changed everything and I started to live again. I honestly dont believe I'd have made it without the three aforementioned people and the news that I was going to be a mother. Tyler was born in May 2009 and after a turbulent first year, a slightly less difficult second year, things now are finally as they should be. I look at Tyler and see how precious life is, I am so glad I'm here. The love I have for my son is stronger than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I guess I've wrote this because everybody already knows I am happy and succeeding in life of late, but I'd like to make it known that I really, really cant forget Andy.

It will always be there, the horrible memories of what happened and memories of the nice times I had with Andy. People should not for one second assume I'm not going to mention him ever, because Andy, and what happened, the good and the bad will always be a part of my life. Life isnt supposed to be perfect and I cant just snip the bad stuff out and pretend it never happened. In a perfect world I would be able to forget, and sometimes I wish for that, but here we are in our not so perfect world and so I will accept that.
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(no subject) [Sep. 21st, 2011|02:34 am]
Alien girl
Lying awake worrying. So somewhere, somehow, I've been put in a fucking horrible situation where, somewhere along the line, I am gonna have to betray someone. The situation it is, I can't not betray one without betraying the other. I have decided to step away completely but it is not that easy. Once you know something, you can choose to ignore it but you can't choose to un-know it. Thing is, it's gonna all surface one day and the fallout is not gonna be pleasant.

I'm quite sure people suspect I know something, even though other people know more than me, I know minor details of this "thing I know" and nothing else, other people know because they've heard it from the horses mouth, not me. Why would I run my mouth without knowing all the facts? I can't really talk to anyone because I don't know who knows what and I refuse to have any complicity in shitstirring and Chinese whispers. Hence why I'm not vocalising any of these worries on Facebook, the media I normally use to get things off my chest.

I'm quite sad. I just want everyone and everything to be ok. I don't want anybody to get hurt but I think it may be likely. I feel I'm in this alone and completely powerless. I don't want people to fight and I don't want to lose any friends just because I know a very basic piece of information. This is what I'm worrying about, not just me, but other people's relationships being destroyed and people getting hurt, but I feel that it's inevitable. I love my friends and I don't believe anyone is to blame and this is just one of them shitty things about life but fuck it's driving me mad :(
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(no subject) [Oct. 10th, 2010|04:00 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |infuriatedinfuriated]

So, er ... hi? is anyone still here?

wanna shock? I've quit Facebook for a while bahahaha, how weird is that? Maybe I relied on Facebook too much for self expression. It's way too easy to get your feelings out on facebook, and that goes for me, and other people. Friday night was harsh. One small incident between me and Steve at Gems house sparked a fucking stupid reaction on Facebook. Insults were thrown and I was hurt. I was pretty reasonable and did not attack anyone, just defended myself from all the ridiculous things they were saying.

So, I was pissed off coz Steve went to go out to persecution and I wanted to stay in. But he said he didnt care what I was doing, he was going out regardless. I dont see enough of him as it is. We normally spend Thursday and Friday nights together. I was really upset that he didn't want to be with me on Friday, so I had a bit of a fanny fit, that probably warranted someone to say "Jesus Linz calm down!" that would have been a fair reaction. The reaction I got was much worse. Gem started on the comments on Facebook saying I was selfish and a bad mother etc, does she not think I've had enough of that shit to deal with? I've fought tooth and nail been to hell and back to get my son back home with me. This to me was bad enough, how fucking stupid? All this from a tiny incident?

As if Gem wasnt harsh enough, for some god unknown reason, Sarah had to stick the boot in aswell. She was just plain abusive, bringing up shit that should not be mentioned on Facebook, and did not have one valid point to make. Her comments were founded from ignorance. She honestly didnt have a clue. What she was saying was very upsetting. And she managed to turn it around to make herself look like the victim, like she always does. One of the worst things she said was "when you put depressed statuses up it just makes you look shit" WHAT THE FUCK?!? Ok fair enough the girl hasn't had an easy life but she does not have a clue about what depression is, how much it can take over your life. How dare she comment like that on something she couldnt even BEGIN to understand?

Sarah's definition of depressed is anything vaguely intelligent or complex, stuff that she doesnt understand. Anything thats not "I've been here there everywhere else today and I'm gonna do this, this and this" or "I've just bought broccoli LOL" is a depressed status update for her. Then there's the accusations of attention seeking and me "looking for attention off people who dont know what I'm like" like what exactly? that comment is totally lost on me. I look to people who I know are informed enough to deal with what I'm saying, who are perfectly happy for me to have a whinge (which is something we all must do) and them to have a whinge to me in return. Everyone bitches about life. That to me isnt attention seeking. So whatever Sarah, grow the fuck up.

So I defended myself as anyone would. There was no need for all flaming I got off Gem and Sarah. It was not reasonable. My replies did not attack personally, I just fought my corner, I'm not going to sit back and let people put me down, bring up incidents from the past, portray me to be fucking satan incarnate and talk down to me. It's not happening. I dont fucking like bullies. I'm still angry and hurt about what went on which is why I've deleted facebook for the time being.

Today I've been told that Jodi has been inboxing Sarah, commending her for "standing up to me". FUCKING STANDING UP TO ME? like I'm the bully? She did not have anything to stand up to, what a load of fucking bollocks. I wasnt abusing anyone, I was the one that was being abused, with it being thinly disguised as an attempt to take the moral highground. So anyone who supports the disgusting things Sarah said to me on Facebook is a FUCKING IDIOT. I cant see how anyone could find her comments appropriate.

The other thing Sarah has said is that she gets "evil looks off lots of people in midian as she [me] does spread it around about me for attention off them" Christ! Sarah! what the fuck are you on about? Spread what around exactly? Paranoid much? Get over yourself. I have better things to do than go around talking about you (this LJ entry not included!) I'm just utterly confused and disheartened about everything thats been said about me. Seems to be a bit of bandwagon mentality going on aswell, like slagging me off is the in thing. I was never bad to Sarah, I always stuck up for her if Sue was being horrible to her, and even when she'd said Cheryl was being horrible to her (who Sarah rarely has a good word to say about) I learnt that was not all as one sided as Sarah makes out to people anyway. So why has she done this to me? I'm so confused.

I'm fucking done with backstabbers. I cant believe I've been mistreated this badly over such a trivial little thing. I dont trust many people as it is so I think I'm just gonna keep away for a while. I'm gonna take control and weed all the backstabbers OUT OF MY LIFE.

In other news Tylers absolutely fine and he's thriving, he's doing so well, and not one person on this planet can dispute that. I have the court order to prove I'm a fit parent and that is the end of it. No questions asked. I suppose my life cunts will come in and out of my life but nevermind, that's life. It's time to move on.
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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2010|08:26 pm]
Alien girl
I've not been on here in a very long time. There's been a lot happen since. Such testing times. If you know me well enough you'll know the whole situation and the extent it has got to. I'm npt gonna go into how I feel about it, because it's extremely exhausting to go through let alone talk about.

I believe in karma and I believe Chris will one day get what he deserves. Tyler will be with me soon, and we can make a start on the rest of our lives. I love him so much and his so called father will never take him away from me.
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Before I die of shame ... [Aug. 25th, 2009|06:26 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |embarrassedembarrassed]

Dont read any of this if you dont wanna read a load of self absorbed crap.

I had a message of said Family member. It wasn't good or bad. It was objective. Better than the tirade of abuse I was expecting anyway. I feel like I've had some closure. It is still horrific to me that I drew the attention to myself in the first place.

I dont know why I did it, yes I was curious and testing her out, but maybe there's summat underlying. I dont know. I'd like as many people as possible to know that after all the self destruction, I survived in the end. Maybe that was also motivation. Maybe I was seeking forgiveness. But I dont feel like I need to be forgiven. Not by them anyway. I feel I need to be forgiven by me.

So now I have a plan for my future. Starting with asking for a higher dosage of pills. These aren't working as I'd like the cunts to, I dont feel they're doing enough for me.

Catherine (mental health worker) is coming on Thursday. I'm gonna ask if I can start the Talking Therapy and CBT, to get me out of the rut I've been horribly stuck in for the past two years (baby or not) I want a job and a normal life. Not this shit. I want to be able to look back and not care, not feel any guilt or shame. Everyone else seems to be able to do it so why not me?

And also, gonna quit drinking. It leads to NOTHING but trouble. I become capable of all sorts of stupid shit, have no self control. I was happier than I have ever been in my entire life when I was pregnant. It's not just about Tyler, it's about me too. I felt safe from myself. Now it's just back to how it was only this time I dont actively go seeking to hurt myself. I just do it along the way unintentionally. I need all the support I can get, this is a big thing but I think it's for the absolute best.

I've betrayed friends and hurt myself all because of stupid alcohol. Right now I still feel nothing but disgust and contempt for myself. So dirty and shameful. I hope in time, I get better, and who knows maybe even love myself one day, I just know that that day is a long way away.
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and for cheering me up [Aug. 23rd, 2009|11:41 pm]
Alien girl
and now I've found this to cheer me up lol. Me and my sister Sam are equally as obsessed with him as each other. We've said we're gonna get his face tattooed on our arses. A picture of him as the doctor, coz he's the best doctor ever (however I am biased lol) on our arse cheeks.
I would do unspeakable things to this man ;)

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OH NOOOOOOO! [Aug. 23rd, 2009|11:14 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

Oh fuck! Maybe I should stop drinking.

So I had a reasonably good night on Friday. Then I got home, and naturally, went on Facebook. I should have learnt my lesson a long time ago doing social networking sites when drunk is a BAD IDEA.

So you get this little box with "People you may know in it" and a fucking relative of Andy's come up in it, I dont know why coz there's only one friend in common anyways. But SILLY FUCKING ME CLICKS "Add as Friend" Mainly out of curiousity and just to test out if she would accept it or not. Haha she didn't. I'm hardly surprised lol.

But I feel stupidly embarrassed, a second after I clicked it I shouted "NOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" you cant UN-REQUEST someone once you've done it, there's no undoing it. Shit. I wasw meant to fade into obscurity forever as far as that family is concerned. Never EVER to be heard of again. And now I've just drew attention to myself again.


I miss being pregnant as blatently it was the only time in my life when I had any self control. Don't tell me not to beat myself up about this, or dwell on it. I cant help it I'm fuming. Alcohol is bad. I'm a naughty girl, an idiot, undignified and totally and utterly shameless (ok that statement is a bit redundant considering I'm here now expressing how ashamed I am) so yes there's some pretty powerful self hatred running through my veins at this moment.
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huh? [Aug. 7th, 2009|05:18 pm]
Alien girl
I've not been interested in updating lately. I've just not had the time or the motivation, I 've been a lot busier with the house and stuff, had loads of appointments but I dont feel I've actually achieved anything. I feel kind of like "stuck" in some weirdness. I'm not depressed. Then I am. Then I'm not. Then I am. Then I'm not.

It's great that I can function normally while Tylers up and awake, because my mind is occupied, but as soon as he's sleeping and not in front of me, I crumble into a bit of a mess. I'm enjoying motherhood so much, there's not one aspect of it that I dont like. But soon as I'm doing something that's not related to looking after Tyler, I'm just finding myself struggling.

I've had some disturbing dreams lately, about suicide and death, dead bodies etc. And re-living the things that already happened, the absolute WORST THINGS! It's fucking shit why cant it all just go away? I'm meant to be seeing someone for this, so where the fuck are they?

I'm incredibly anxious as well. I dunno whats going on. I probably should phone the doctors and yell at them, as everytime I ring the prescriptions line, it's busy, so I cant get a repeat prescription for my much needed tablets. I'm very annoyed because that is probably the reason why I'm feeling like this. I will go down to the doctors surgery and order them face to face seem as the prescriptions line is a load of fucking rubbish.

I hope I'll be OK. I have no choice not to be. There is no alternative, I'm a mother and I need to be healthy for my son and that includes mentally. So my plan, go order the tablets face to face, make sure next time I dont run out before I get some more. Stupid phone line though what a load of shite.
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