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Alien girl

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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2009|12:00 am]
Alien girl
I went to the gym today :D

I'm quite happy about it, I did the steppy thing, the treadmills, and the bike. On the bike proper went for it and did 6km in 15 minutes. After that I was exhausted and covered in sweat, so I thought I'd call it a day at that because I started feeling dizzy. Now I can't sleep because it's red hot and I can't get comfortable. I'm just not managing to get much sleep at all lately.

Tyler had his first injections today too, he screamed. But it was only for 5 minutes then he forgot all about it anyway.
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(no subject) [Jul. 9th, 2009|10:23 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |weirdweird]

Urgh! I'm proper spaced out and all zombie-like at the moment.

So eventhough I had the tablets for a while, I delayed taking them, until last week, I started them Thursday. This time I'm experiencing some heavy side effects but it's strange because I never used to. My mouth is constantly dry, TMI but any tiny bit of sex drive I had left has vanished, I'm very tired and I keep feeling sick as if I'm pregnant again (I MOST DEFINITELY AM NOT!) and the most minging thing on the list is excessive sweating.

I've been sweating like a twat for days, then we went out to the park today and it was dripping off me. It's rank. I hope it goes away, I must have looked like a right scruffy cunt today :(

I think they are working though, but at a price. I feel distant from the "real world" like I'm in another world completely that only exists in my head. I'm like miles away and all zoned out and stuff. I'm scared I dont have control of my own mind but in actual fact I probably have more control when I'm on the meds. I guess if this is what it takes to make me better then so be it.
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OWWWWW! [Jul. 1st, 2009|11:20 am]
Alien girl
[mood |irritatedirritated]

There are gonna be tears today. That thing that visits once a month is back baby! And it's fucking excruciating. Speshly on the C-section site. It's quite bad, and this is just the start so I know it's gonna get worse, I just feel like crying. This is worse than being pregnant, I dont think pregnant birds realise how easy they've got it. Whats a bit of sickness and heartburn and a few aches and pains when we normal people have to put up with this every month?
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(no subject) [Jun. 29th, 2009|11:14 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

I just changed my LJ profile. So now no more of my online profiles focus on *THAT* mistake someone else made that fucked my life up so badly. I've just taken another big step further away from the past, and another towards the future :)
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excited but kinda panicked at the same time [Jun. 29th, 2009|07:08 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |excitedexcited]

The bar has just been raised. Anyone who knows anything about me growing up knows I always had some insecurities about our Hayley always doing better than me at everything, started off when we were kids she always seemed to get more praise than me. Well, She's raised the stakes yet again. I'm gonna have to achieve world peace or summat if I wanna top this.

I was the fucked up one with the behavioural difficulties, seeing the child and adolescent mental health team at North Tees and all the rest of it. In simple terms I was just a fucking useless crap kid who struggled with everything and achieved nothing. Hayley on the other hand seemed to be naturally awesome at everything (well, except athletics, that one was ALL MIIIINE!) she taught herself to play the keyboard (properly) and the family always banged on about how amazing she is. They never mentioned that I was a really good runner, I never got any praise for it ... "anyone can run" and all that. I came out of school with 2 Cs, and the rest Fs, Gs and Us, out of 10 GCSEs, through no fault of my own. A lot was going on at that time for me, so I wont accept the blame for that particular failiure, I tried my best. But our Hayley went out drinking with her mates, didn't revise and you guessed it, came out with As and Bs. This is why nowadays I have a big inferiority complex with it all.

So we grew up, I was 17 when I left the family home, went through an awful lot of terrible things and nearly didn't make it, then Tyler came along and gave me a reason to pull through. So I turned my life around and now Tyler is the best thing that ever happened to me. Hayley got up the duff at 17, had Marshall, then went straight to uni, succeeded IMMENSELY, and now she juggles being a cop (yes a REAL policewoman) with being a mam to Marshall and still at uni. That's pretty fucking awesome really isn't it, she should be proud of herself, she amazes me. And NOW, JUST TO BE EXTRA AWESOME SHE'S UP THE DUFF AGAIN!!!

I'm really happy and excited, proper over the moon. But she's made it more difficult for me to catch up to her. How can I ever be as good as she is? I mean come on, I'm not being greedy coz its not like I wanna be BETTER than her, I just want to be AS GOOD AS.

Ok, so she hasn't faced half the problems in her life that I have in mine, and I put my best into everything I do nowadays, but it's not good enough, my best is fucking lame compared to what she can do. I hope this isn't coming across wrong, coz I know being a mother is an amazing thing to be, I'm loving every minute of it, but being a mother, a cop, studying for a degree, AND pregnant - she's fucking superwoman. She's more amazing than I could ever dream of being. I dont feel particularly jealous, thats never what it's been about but I just wish I could acheive that much all at once. Mam says I make her proud because I survived in the end, but that's naff, it doesnt make me anything special but Hayley is. I need to do summat really amazing on top of being a mother and show the world I can kick ass too.
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a very dark post. [Jun. 28th, 2009|10:31 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |angryangry and psychotic]


Why's he not dead yet? He was meant to only have six weeks left and that was when I'd just found out I was pregnant. So as you can see, it's been longer than fucking six weeks.

If I knew for 100% sure that I'd get away with it, I would go and kill him myself. And I'm deadly serious. I've never wanted anyone to die so much in all my life.

How is it you can say, without meaning it, to someone you love in a fit of rage, that you don't care whether they die or not, and they end up dying not long after you've said it, but you can truly loathe someone and wake up everyday hoping that day is gonna be the day they're carried away in a zipped-up black bag, and it just doesn't happen? I'm sick of waiting.

So, it probably makes me a bad person for wishing death upon someone but I dont care, I'm not gonna pussy foot around the sore subject that is death. When someones mere existance, even without the abuse, taunts you, gets under your skin so much, you kinda start to welcome their demise with open arms.

Meh, the council are shit. I'm gonna save as much cash as possible for a bond, first months rent, admin fees, then get the fuck out of here. I cannot take much more, I actually feel homicidal and in my mind it's a very dark place to be in. Everyone's got it in them, but with most people these feelings never surface. I've been pushed to the point where mine have.
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:( [Jun. 26th, 2009|04:09 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |annoyedunbelievably SHIT!!!!!!]

I'm very unhappy today. Not arsed about Jacko dying or out, I'm sad about my own problems.

So some cunt put a film of my sister being bullied and in a fight on Youtube, and the little cunts are all laughing and saying she pissed herself (she didnt, but she was wearing them weird jeans where they're light and dark patchy) and its made me so fucking angry. I felt homicidal. I wanted to cause the scummy minging chavvy cunts some serious pain. Amy takes it all on the chin in the video she's just like "yeah whatever fuck off" water off a ducks back to her, hit back at one point, but we're all fuming, cant help it. Cant believe them little bastards got away with shit like that. It reminded me of being bullied myself and feeling so angry I would have stopped at nothing to get revenge on the people who did it. So my own demons kinda came back to me, hence why I feel so angry to see this.

Then I went to the doctors for my 6 weeks check. It all went ok until it didn't. I said that I'm scared of getting pregnant again and would like some contraception. The doctor suggested the pill and I was cool with that until I found out that my BMI is just over the recommended level for the normal pill. In other words, I'M A FAT CUNT. So he's gave me the mini pill. Fuck it, I'm not taking it at all, what so I'll get even fatter? Never having sex again until I go back down til my normal weight. And if it doesnt go down then I never will at all.

I know I'm gonna get whinged at for this but I've pretty much starved myself for two weeks now, for NOTHING! Its not like I haven't eaten anything, had a couple of biscuits everyday and that should be enough to keep me going. I dont wanna hear nout about eating healthy and exercise, I already know. I did all that while I was pregnant and look what happened, I put weight on. Starvation is my own tried and tested method, it's what I used to do to lose weight and it worked for me then so why fix what isnt broken?

I'm so angry and fucked up now, really need a way of releasing it, like get it out of my system. I feel awful to say that the thought of hurting myself did cross my mind initially. So now I'm even angrier at myself. How dare I think like that when I have my son to think about? I can't believe the idea popped into my head for even a second. So now my days just gotten worse. I'm scared I'm gonna get so angry that I lose control, and you know, not know what I'm doing.

On the other hand I guess people cant expect me to constantly be smiling just because I have a gorgeous baby. Nobody is like that, everyone has things that gets them down and upsets them. Well this is it. What am I supposed to do to vent my frustration now? I wanna damage something but I know I cant damage myself. I wanna kick the shit out of summat or even someone, find someone who's caused me pain in the past and tear their limbs off with my bear hands. I dunno, think I might have anger problems.
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(no subject) [Jun. 17th, 2009|02:53 pm]
Alien girl
Ah that last post has a proper big arse response. Well I guess he was only trying to help and give advice but I hope you guys all do know that I'm not stupid enough to take anything that hasn't been prescribed by the doctor anyway, I've not bothered to look at the website because I'm not really intersted but anyway its no biggie.
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AAAAAARGH! [Jun. 16th, 2009|03:09 pm]
Alien girl
Somebody help me! Phone me or come round I dunno whatever just take my mind off this pain under my scar. It's fucking agony, I was just focusing on Tyler but now he's asleep so there's nothing much I can do.

I'm climbing the fucking walls, this is doing my head in. I feel slightly unhinged today as it is. I dont like the look of my mental health at the moment so I'm caving in and going back on the tablets. I suppose its better for Tyler to have a happy mam who takes tablets rather than a sad mam who doesnt. My pride is a bit dented but I know it's gonna have to be done.
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Tyler 1 month old. [Jun. 14th, 2009|12:47 pm]
Alien girl
[mood |okayokay]

Tyler is one month old today. He was 8lb15oz on Wednesday, which is perfectly ok, but he is growing very fast. He's still really cute as well, Chris has said he's seen him smile but I haven't yet. It could have been wind anyway. I took him in Campus on Thursday, and as he'd already pooped just before we went out I didn't think he would shit again for a while.

But I was very wrong. And this one was messy, it got absolutely EVERYWHERE, and I didn't bring the poor kid any spare clothes so he had to make do with the spare clothes Campus put out on the baby changing thing in the toilets. All we could find that wasn't really dirty was a tiny white babygro, and a vest that was a bit small, so we put the vest on him and Annlou cut the feet off the babygro so he coiuld wear it. He looked funny as he looked like a baby hobo with a raggy sleepsuit on lol.

I really enjoy being a mam, and it's not that hard once you get used to it. I just need to remember things when we go out like spare clothes and other random stuff. I got shouted at and told I need to be more organised. This coming from someone who's never had a child so they dont know that having a new baby is so hectic your heads stuffed up your arse half the time and smalls mistakes can be made.

Me myself, without Tyler, is not so good still. I dont understand why its taking so long to recover, and now on top of the healing and pain around the scar, the site in my back where the epidural went aches all the time, from what I've read its a common thing. The midwife is still coming out, I dont think I should still be having that "baby blues" thing 4 weeks after having the baby. I have an appointment at the hospital to see two people who were in charge when Tyler was born, and they're gonna debrief me, like fill in the gaps, all the bits missing from my own version of events in hope that it's gonna make me feel better about how it turned out.

Then there's all my other issues still there, the ones I stupidly thought I would never think about again after Tyler was born *sigh* nevermind. I dont wanna talk about them, I have other things to think about.
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