|excited but kinda panicked at the same time
||[Jun. 29th, 2009|07:08 pm]
The bar has just been raised. Anyone who knows anything about me growing up knows I always had some insecurities about our Hayley always doing better than me at everything, started off when we were kids she always seemed to get more praise than me. Well, She's raised the stakes yet again. I'm gonna have to achieve world peace or summat if I wanna top this.
I was the fucked up one with the behavioural difficulties, seeing the child and adolescent mental health team at North Tees and all the rest of it. In simple terms I was just a fucking useless crap kid who struggled with everything and achieved nothing. Hayley on the other hand seemed to be naturally awesome at everything (well, except athletics, that one was ALL MIIIINE!) she taught herself to play the keyboard (properly) and the family always banged on about how amazing she is. They never mentioned that I was a really good runner, I never got any praise for it ... "anyone can run" and all that. I came out of school with 2 Cs, and the rest Fs, Gs and Us, out of 10 GCSEs, through no fault of my own. A lot was going on at that time for me, so I wont accept the blame for that particular failiure, I tried my best. But our Hayley went out drinking with her mates, didn't revise and you guessed it, came out with As and Bs. This is why nowadays I have a big inferiority complex with it all.
So we grew up, I was 17 when I left the family home, went through an awful lot of terrible things and nearly didn't make it, then Tyler came along and gave me a reason to pull through. So I turned my life around and now Tyler is the best thing that ever happened to me. Hayley got up the duff at 17, had Marshall, then went straight to uni, succeeded IMMENSELY, and now she juggles being a cop (yes a REAL policewoman) with being a mam to Marshall and still at uni. That's pretty fucking awesome really isn't it, she should be proud of herself, she amazes me. And NOW, JUST TO BE EXTRA AWESOME SHE'S UP THE DUFF AGAIN!!!
I'm really happy and excited, proper over the moon. But she's made it more difficult for me to catch up to her. How can I ever be as good as she is? I mean come on, I'm not being greedy coz its not like I wanna be BETTER than her, I just want to be AS GOOD AS.
Ok, so she hasn't faced half the problems in her life that I have in mine, and I put my best into everything I do nowadays, but it's not good enough, my best is fucking lame compared to what she can do. I hope this isn't coming across wrong, coz I know being a mother is an amazing thing to be, I'm loving every minute of it, but being a mother, a cop, studying for a degree, AND pregnant - she's fucking superwoman. She's more amazing than I could ever dream of being. I dont feel particularly jealous, thats never what it's been about but I just wish I could acheive that much all at once. Mam says I make her proud because I survived in the end, but that's naff, it doesnt make me anything special but Hayley is. I need to do summat really amazing on top of being a mother and show the world I can kick ass too.