|Before I die of shame ...
||[Aug. 25th, 2009|06:26 pm]
Dont read any of this if you dont wanna read a load of self absorbed crap.
I had a message of said Family member. It wasn't good or bad. It was objective. Better than the tirade of abuse I was expecting anyway. I feel like I've had some closure. It is still horrific to me that I drew the attention to myself in the first place.
I dont know why I did it, yes I was curious and testing her out, but maybe there's summat underlying. I dont know. I'd like as many people as possible to know that after all the self destruction, I survived in the end. Maybe that was also motivation. Maybe I was seeking forgiveness. But I dont feel like I need to be forgiven. Not by them anyway. I feel I need to be forgiven by me.
So now I have a plan for my future. Starting with asking for a higher dosage of pills. These aren't working as I'd like the cunts to, I dont feel they're doing enough for me.
Catherine (mental health worker) is coming on Thursday. I'm gonna ask if I can start the Talking Therapy and CBT, to get me out of the rut I've been horribly stuck in for the past two years (baby or not) I want a job and a normal life. Not this shit. I want to be able to look back and not care, not feel any guilt or shame. Everyone else seems to be able to do it so why not me?
And also, gonna quit drinking. It leads to NOTHING but trouble. I become capable of all sorts of stupid shit, have no self control. I was happier than I have ever been in my entire life when I was pregnant. It's not just about Tyler, it's about me too. I felt safe from myself. Now it's just back to how it was only this time I dont actively go seeking to hurt myself. I just do it along the way unintentionally. I need all the support I can get, this is a big thing but I think it's for the absolute best.
I've betrayed friends and hurt myself all because of stupid alcohol. Right now I still feel nothing but disgust and contempt for myself. So dirty and shameful. I hope in time, I get better, and who knows maybe even love myself one day, I just know that that day is a long way away.