||[Aug. 7th, 2009|05:18 pm]
I've not been interested in updating lately. I've just not had the time or the motivation, I 've been a lot busier with the house and stuff, had loads of appointments but I dont feel I've actually achieved anything. I feel kind of like "stuck" in some weirdness. I'm not depressed. Then I am. Then I'm not. Then I am. Then I'm not.|
It's great that I can function normally while Tylers up and awake, because my mind is occupied, but as soon as he's sleeping and not in front of me, I crumble into a bit of a mess. I'm enjoying motherhood so much, there's not one aspect of it that I dont like. But soon as I'm doing something that's not related to looking after Tyler, I'm just finding myself struggling.
I've had some disturbing dreams lately, about suicide and death, dead bodies etc. And re-living the things that already happened, the absolute WORST THINGS! It's fucking shit why cant it all just go away? I'm meant to be seeing someone for this, so where the fuck are they?
I'm incredibly anxious as well. I dunno whats going on. I probably should phone the doctors and yell at them, as everytime I ring the prescriptions line, it's busy, so I cant get a repeat prescription for my much needed tablets. I'm very annoyed because that is probably the reason why I'm feeling like this. I will go down to the doctors surgery and order them face to face seem as the prescriptions line is a load of fucking rubbish.
I hope I'll be OK. I have no choice not to be. There is no alternative, I'm a mother and I need to be healthy for my son and that includes mentally. So my plan, go order the tablets face to face, make sure next time I dont run out before I get some more. Stupid phone line though what a load of shite.