| what a fucking week. |
[Sep. 11th, 2009|04:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
Ok, so I was so depressed on Tuesday, I went out and got drunk. Drank all night whilst fighting the temptation to hurt myself. I got through it without self harm (well not my traditional method anyway) I was still getting drunk with the sole intention of causing myself harm.
Didn't arrive back home til 2pm the next day. I'm very ashamed but I couldn't help it. I wasn't feeling well. Mentally I mean. And going home would put me at immediate risk of doing something grim. I've even had some suicidal thoughts lately. No, I would NEVER do it, but the thoughts are still there. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me. But not Tyler. I'm his mother and he only gets one. No-one can look after Tyler better than I can.
I still feel angry and resentful regarding family. I stayed alive for them. Did everything I could to make them happy. I even had a baby, though I would've done that regardless of them, I hoped that would make them proud. Nah, it didn't. I realise now that there's just no pleasing some people. Today saw summat on my Mam's facebook page thats upset me (Yes - That Goddamn Fucking Facebook!) It has a little section where it lists your Children. There's only one name under hers, wonder who eh? Well, That to me says enough. So I might be being a bit melodramatic and over reacting but it's quite heartbreaking to be honest.
So tempted to message her saying "hi Sue, I could have swore you had more than one child but oh no, sorry I must have imagined it silly me, nevermind" It's true then, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. My friends ARE my family.
I will never treat Tyler like this, and am going to bring him up with self esteem. I'm going to tell him everyday that he is an amazing human being and special in every way. I'll tell him that I'll love him no matter what he grows up to be like, and that he never ever has to conform to all that bullshit society wants him to, in order to make me proud.
I feel so betrayed.
In other news I was heading to the park yesterday, realised I was going to be late so I got on the bus. Then in some freakish accident getting off the bus I fell in the gap between the bus and the curb and ended up under the front wheel and Tylers pushchair was flipped over. Tyler was absolutely fine but I was injured. I have a broken wrist. It's in a plaster now and I feels ok in the plaster. I feel relieved actually, it could have been so much worse.
And now I'm just sat home feeling quite low. I hope this passes soon. What a fucking week. |
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| :( |
[Sep. 6th, 2009|09:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  BITTER!!! | ] |
I feel pure crap today. My self esteem isn't exactly high on the best of days but today takes the biscuit.
( FFS ) |
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| Before I die of shame ... |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|06:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  embarrassed | ] |
Dont read any of this if you dont wanna read a load of self absorbed crap.
I had a message of said Family member. It wasn't good or bad. It was objective. Better than the tirade of abuse I was expecting anyway. I feel like I've had some closure. It is still horrific to me that I drew the attention to myself in the first place.
I dont know why I did it, yes I was curious and testing her out, but maybe there's summat underlying. I dont know. I'd like as many people as possible to know that after all the self destruction, I survived in the end. Maybe that was also motivation. Maybe I was seeking forgiveness. But I dont feel like I need to be forgiven. Not by them anyway. I feel I need to be forgiven by me.
So now I have a plan for my future. Starting with asking for a higher dosage of pills. These aren't working as I'd like the cunts to, I dont feel they're doing enough for me.
Catherine (mental health worker) is coming on Thursday. I'm gonna ask if I can start the Talking Therapy and CBT, to get me out of the rut I've been horribly stuck in for the past two years (baby or not) I want a job and a normal life. Not this shit. I want to be able to look back and not care, not feel any guilt or shame. Everyone else seems to be able to do it so why not me?
And also, gonna quit drinking. It leads to NOTHING but trouble. I become capable of all sorts of stupid shit, have no self control. I was happier than I have ever been in my entire life when I was pregnant. It's not just about Tyler, it's about me too. I felt safe from myself. Now it's just back to how it was only this time I dont actively go seeking to hurt myself. I just do it along the way unintentionally. I need all the support I can get, this is a big thing but I think it's for the absolute best.
I've betrayed friends and hurt myself all because of stupid alcohol. Right now I still feel nothing but disgust and contempt for myself. So dirty and shameful. I hope in time, I get better, and who knows maybe even love myself one day, I just know that that day is a long way away. |
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| and for cheering me up |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|11:41 pm] |
and now I've found this to cheer me up lol. Me and my sister Sam are equally as obsessed with him as each other. We've said we're gonna get his face tattooed on our arses. A picture of him as the doctor, coz he's the best doctor ever (however I am biased lol) on our arse cheeks.
I would do unspeakable things to this man ;)
 |
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| OH NOOOOOOO! |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|11:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
Oh fuck! Maybe I should stop drinking.
So I had a reasonably good night on Friday. Then I got home, and naturally, went on Facebook. I should have learnt my lesson a long time ago doing social networking sites when drunk is a BAD IDEA.
So you get this little box with "People you may know in it" and a fucking relative of Andy's come up in it, I dont know why coz there's only one friend in common anyways. But SILLY FUCKING ME CLICKS "Add as Friend" Mainly out of curiousity and just to test out if she would accept it or not. Haha she didn't. I'm hardly surprised lol.
But I feel stupidly embarrassed, a second after I clicked it I shouted "NOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" you cant UN-REQUEST someone once you've done it, there's no undoing it. Shit. I wasw meant to fade into obscurity forever as far as that family is concerned. Never EVER to be heard of again. And now I've just drew attention to myself again.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I miss being pregnant as blatently it was the only time in my life when I had any self control. Don't tell me not to beat myself up about this, or dwell on it. I cant help it I'm fuming. Alcohol is bad. I'm a naughty girl, an idiot, undignified and totally and utterly shameless (ok that statement is a bit redundant considering I'm here now expressing how ashamed I am) so yes there's some pretty powerful self hatred running through my veins at this moment. |
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| huh? |
[Aug. 7th, 2009|05:18 pm] |
I've not been interested in updating lately. I've just not had the time or the motivation, I 've been a lot busier with the house and stuff, had loads of appointments but I dont feel I've actually achieved anything. I feel kind of like "stuck" in some weirdness. I'm not depressed. Then I am. Then I'm not. Then I am. Then I'm not.
It's great that I can function normally while Tylers up and awake, because my mind is occupied, but as soon as he's sleeping and not in front of me, I crumble into a bit of a mess. I'm enjoying motherhood so much, there's not one aspect of it that I dont like. But soon as I'm doing something that's not related to looking after Tyler, I'm just finding myself struggling.
I've had some disturbing dreams lately, about suicide and death, dead bodies etc. And re-living the things that already happened, the absolute WORST THINGS! It's fucking shit why cant it all just go away? I'm meant to be seeing someone for this, so where the fuck are they?
I'm incredibly anxious as well. I dunno whats going on. I probably should phone the doctors and yell at them, as everytime I ring the prescriptions line, it's busy, so I cant get a repeat prescription for my much needed tablets. I'm very annoyed because that is probably the reason why I'm feeling like this. I will go down to the doctors surgery and order them face to face seem as the prescriptions line is a load of fucking rubbish.
I hope I'll be OK. I have no choice not to be. There is no alternative, I'm a mother and I need to be healthy for my son and that includes mentally. So my plan, go order the tablets face to face, make sure next time I dont run out before I get some more. Stupid phone line though what a load of shite. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|12:00 am] |
I went to the gym today :D
I'm quite happy about it, I did the steppy thing, the treadmills, and the bike. On the bike proper went for it and did 6km in 15 minutes. After that I was exhausted and covered in sweat, so I thought I'd call it a day at that because I started feeling dizzy. Now I can't sleep because it's red hot and I can't get comfortable. I'm just not managing to get much sleep at all lately.
Tyler had his first injections today too, he screamed. But it was only for 5 minutes then he forgot all about it anyway. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
Urgh! I'm proper spaced out and all zombie-like at the moment.
So eventhough I had the tablets for a while, I delayed taking them, until last week, I started them Thursday. This time I'm experiencing some heavy side effects but it's strange because I never used to. My mouth is constantly dry, TMI but any tiny bit of sex drive I had left has vanished, I'm very tired and I keep feeling sick as if I'm pregnant again (I MOST DEFINITELY AM NOT!) and the most minging thing on the list is excessive sweating.
I've been sweating like a twat for days, then we went out to the park today and it was dripping off me. It's rank. I hope it goes away, I must have looked like a right scruffy cunt today :(
I think they are working though, but at a price. I feel distant from the "real world" like I'm in another world completely that only exists in my head. I'm like miles away and all zoned out and stuff. I'm scared I dont have control of my own mind but in actual fact I probably have more control when I'm on the meds. I guess if this is what it takes to make me better then so be it. |
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| OWWWWW! |
[Jul. 1st, 2009|11:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | irritated | ] |
There are gonna be tears today. That thing that visits once a month is back baby! And it's fucking excruciating. Speshly on the C-section site. It's quite bad, and this is just the start so I know it's gonna get worse, I just feel like crying. This is worse than being pregnant, I dont think pregnant birds realise how easy they've got it. Whats a bit of sickness and heartburn and a few aches and pains when we normal people have to put up with this every month? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|11:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
I just changed my LJ profile. So now no more of my online profiles focus on *THAT* mistake someone else made that fucked my life up so badly. I've just taken another big step further away from the past, and another towards the future :) |
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| excited but kinda panicked at the same time |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|07:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
The bar has just been raised. Anyone who knows anything about me growing up knows I always had some insecurities about our Hayley always doing better than me at everything, started off when we were kids she always seemed to get more praise than me. Well, She's raised the stakes yet again. I'm gonna have to achieve world peace or summat if I wanna top this.
I was the fucked up one with the behavioural difficulties, seeing the child and adolescent mental health team at North Tees and all the rest of it. In simple terms I was just a fucking useless crap kid who struggled with everything and achieved nothing. Hayley on the other hand seemed to be naturally awesome at everything (well, except athletics, that one was ALL MIIIINE!) she taught herself to play the keyboard (properly) and the family always banged on about how amazing she is. They never mentioned that I was a really good runner, I never got any praise for it ... "anyone can run" and all that. I came out of school with 2 Cs, and the rest Fs, Gs and Us, out of 10 GCSEs, through no fault of my own. A lot was going on at that time for me, so I wont accept the blame for that particular failiure, I tried my best. But our Hayley went out drinking with her mates, didn't revise and you guessed it, came out with As and Bs. This is why nowadays I have a big inferiority complex with it all.
So we grew up, I was 17 when I left the family home, went through an awful lot of terrible things and nearly didn't make it, then Tyler came along and gave me a reason to pull through. So I turned my life around and now Tyler is the best thing that ever happened to me. Hayley got up the duff at 17, had Marshall, then went straight to uni, succeeded IMMENSELY, and now she juggles being a cop (yes a REAL policewoman) with being a mam to Marshall and still at uni. That's pretty fucking awesome really isn't it, she should be proud of herself, she amazes me. And NOW, JUST TO BE EXTRA AWESOME SHE'S UP THE DUFF AGAIN!!!
I'm really happy and excited, proper over the moon. But she's made it more difficult for me to catch up to her. How can I ever be as good as she is? I mean come on, I'm not being greedy coz its not like I wanna be BETTER than her, I just want to be AS GOOD AS.
Ok, so she hasn't faced half the problems in her life that I have in mine, and I put my best into everything I do nowadays, but it's not good enough, my best is fucking lame compared to what she can do. I hope this isn't coming across wrong, coz I know being a mother is an amazing thing to be, I'm loving every minute of it, but being a mother, a cop, studying for a degree, AND pregnant - she's fucking superwoman. She's more amazing than I could ever dream of being. I dont feel particularly jealous, thats never what it's been about but I just wish I could acheive that much all at once. Mam says I make her proud because I survived in the end, but that's naff, it doesnt make me anything special but Hayley is. I need to do summat really amazing on top of being a mother and show the world I can kick ass too. |
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| a very dark post. |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|10:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry and psychotic | ] |
GRRRRR!
Why's he not dead yet? He was meant to only have six weeks left and that was when I'd just found out I was pregnant. So as you can see, it's been longer than fucking six weeks.
If I knew for 100% sure that I'd get away with it, I would go and kill him myself. And I'm deadly serious. I've never wanted anyone to die so much in all my life.
How is it you can say, without meaning it, to someone you love in a fit of rage, that you don't care whether they die or not, and they end up dying not long after you've said it, but you can truly loathe someone and wake up everyday hoping that day is gonna be the day they're carried away in a zipped-up black bag, and it just doesn't happen? I'm sick of waiting.
So, it probably makes me a bad person for wishing death upon someone but I dont care, I'm not gonna pussy foot around the sore subject that is death. When someones mere existance, even without the abuse, taunts you, gets under your skin so much, you kinda start to welcome their demise with open arms.
Meh, the council are shit. I'm gonna save as much cash as possible for a bond, first months rent, admin fees, then get the fuck out of here. I cannot take much more, I actually feel homicidal and in my mind it's a very dark place to be in. Everyone's got it in them, but with most people these feelings never surface. I've been pushed to the point where mine have. |
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| :( |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|04:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | unbelievably SHIT!!!!!! | ] |
I'm very unhappy today. Not arsed about Jacko dying or out, I'm sad about my own problems.
So some cunt put a film of my sister being bullied and in a fight on Youtube, and the little cunts are all laughing and saying she pissed herself (she didnt, but she was wearing them weird jeans where they're light and dark patchy) and its made me so fucking angry. I felt homicidal. I wanted to cause the scummy minging chavvy cunts some serious pain. Amy takes it all on the chin in the video she's just like "yeah whatever fuck off" water off a ducks back to her, hit back at one point, but we're all fuming, cant help it. Cant believe them little bastards got away with shit like that. It reminded me of being bullied myself and feeling so angry I would have stopped at nothing to get revenge on the people who did it. So my own demons kinda came back to me, hence why I feel so angry to see this.
Then I went to the doctors for my 6 weeks check. It all went ok until it didn't. I said that I'm scared of getting pregnant again and would like some contraception. The doctor suggested the pill and I was cool with that until I found out that my BMI is just over the recommended level for the normal pill. In other words, I'M A FAT CUNT. So he's gave me the mini pill. Fuck it, I'm not taking it at all, what so I'll get even fatter? Never having sex again until I go back down til my normal weight. And if it doesnt go down then I never will at all.
I know I'm gonna get whinged at for this but I've pretty much starved myself for two weeks now, for NOTHING! Its not like I haven't eaten anything, had a couple of biscuits everyday and that should be enough to keep me going. I dont wanna hear nout about eating healthy and exercise, I already know. I did all that while I was pregnant and look what happened, I put weight on. Starvation is my own tried and tested method, it's what I used to do to lose weight and it worked for me then so why fix what isnt broken?
I'm so angry and fucked up now, really need a way of releasing it, like get it out of my system. I feel awful to say that the thought of hurting myself did cross my mind initially. So now I'm even angrier at myself. How dare I think like that when I have my son to think about? I can't believe the idea popped into my head for even a second. So now my days just gotten worse. I'm scared I'm gonna get so angry that I lose control, and you know, not know what I'm doing.
On the other hand I guess people cant expect me to constantly be smiling just because I have a gorgeous baby. Nobody is like that, everyone has things that gets them down and upsets them. Well this is it. What am I supposed to do to vent my frustration now? I wanna damage something but I know I cant damage myself. I wanna kick the shit out of summat or even someone, find someone who's caused me pain in the past and tear their limbs off with my bear hands. I dunno, think I might have anger problems. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2009|02:53 pm] |
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Ah that last post has a proper big arse response. Well I guess he was only trying to help and give advice but I hope you guys all do know that I'm not stupid enough to take anything that hasn't been prescribed by the doctor anyway, I've not bothered to look at the website because I'm not really intersted but anyway its no biggie. |
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| AAAAAARGH! |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|03:09 pm] |
Somebody help me! Phone me or come round I dunno whatever just take my mind off this pain under my scar. It's fucking agony, I was just focusing on Tyler but now he's asleep so there's nothing much I can do.
I'm climbing the fucking walls, this is doing my head in. I feel slightly unhinged today as it is. I dont like the look of my mental health at the moment so I'm caving in and going back on the tablets. I suppose its better for Tyler to have a happy mam who takes tablets rather than a sad mam who doesnt. My pride is a bit dented but I know it's gonna have to be done. |
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| Tyler 1 month old. |
[Jun. 14th, 2009|12:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
Tyler is one month old today. He was 8lb15oz on Wednesday, which is perfectly ok, but he is growing very fast. He's still really cute as well, Chris has said he's seen him smile but I haven't yet. It could have been wind anyway. I took him in Campus on Thursday, and as he'd already pooped just before we went out I didn't think he would shit again for a while.
But I was very wrong. And this one was messy, it got absolutely EVERYWHERE, and I didn't bring the poor kid any spare clothes so he had to make do with the spare clothes Campus put out on the baby changing thing in the toilets. All we could find that wasn't really dirty was a tiny white babygro, and a vest that was a bit small, so we put the vest on him and Annlou cut the feet off the babygro so he coiuld wear it. He looked funny as he looked like a baby hobo with a raggy sleepsuit on lol.
I really enjoy being a mam, and it's not that hard once you get used to it. I just need to remember things when we go out like spare clothes and other random stuff. I got shouted at and told I need to be more organised. This coming from someone who's never had a child so they dont know that having a new baby is so hectic your heads stuffed up your arse half the time and smalls mistakes can be made.
Me myself, without Tyler, is not so good still. I dont understand why its taking so long to recover, and now on top of the healing and pain around the scar, the site in my back where the epidural went aches all the time, from what I've read its a common thing. The midwife is still coming out, I dont think I should still be having that "baby blues" thing 4 weeks after having the baby. I have an appointment at the hospital to see two people who were in charge when Tyler was born, and they're gonna debrief me, like fill in the gaps, all the bits missing from my own version of events in hope that it's gonna make me feel better about how it turned out.
Then there's all my other issues still there, the ones I stupidly thought I would never think about again after Tyler was born *sigh* nevermind. I dont wanna talk about them, I have other things to think about. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2009|12:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
I'm having a whinge, I dont feel all self pityful and sorry for myself really because I'm suoper happy with the outcome, I'm just mad at how things turned out and having a bit of a "Failiure" complex (which I've always had but this time its huge).
I still dont feel better. I've been having a couple of issues, stupid ones, that should not affect me the tiniest bit but they have managed to. In short, now that I've had time to think about it, I'm really pissed off that I had to have a caesarean section.
I would never have expected it in a million years, and when I was in hospital my mam told me not to worry, I probably wouldnt have one as no woman on her side of the family has ever had to have one. So I was 100% convinced it would never come to that. So the fact that I did have one has pissed on my parade big style. I'm still very much in shock.
I'm not just being silly, selfish maybe, but I'm not just being silly and childish. I know it shouldn't matter to me at all, because Tyler is here safe and healthy but I'm not joking when I say the entire experience has left me with some unresolved issues. I can't stop thinking about it and feeling sad, like I missed out. I didn't give birth properly did I?
Why does it disappoint me? I feel like a bit of a failiure. Can I do anything right? Not even fucking childbirth which is the one thing us humans should be able to do easily. Well, normal humans anyway. I must not be. Someone made a little joke last week saying I was "too posh to push" and eventhough they were just lightening the mood, I DID NOT FIND IT FUCKING FUNNY. It's a sore subject. I had to bite my tongue and pretend not to be upset. It's not like anyone can answer my questions like I'm always gonna wonder was it my fault? could it have been avoided?
I know a natural birth would have been just as hard work but I think it would have been a happier experience because I'd have done it myself, it would have all completely been MY hard work, not a bunch of doctors.
The other things thats pissing me off is that the scar still hurts all the time and it gets really sore if my trousers press on it, for fuck sake as if the stitches still havent fully dissolved, Shouldn't it all be healed by now? I have to wear these FUCKING STUPID sock things to stop me getting blood clots, I dont even know why there's a risk even at this point, the operation was three weeks ago. They're really itchy, tight and irritating, I have to wear the fuckers for 6 friggin weeks.
I still have the midwife coming out but I've not told her any of this. It's probably best I dont cause I'm just being selfish and idealistic, but I might need some support of some sort to get over the shock, so I'm maybe I should. I'm trying to be positive, I got the best thing ever, I love him so much, I am very happy but its just shit that everytime I think about the birth I feel sad and even a bit robbed. I'm hoping that maybe this is a common thing or just down to hormones, I would be relieved if it was. |
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| oh for fuck sake NOT NOW!!!! |
[May. 29th, 2009|09:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
I'm actually gonna open up and stop pretending everythings ok now.
I've spoken to the doctor. Things aren't good. And I feel really guilty and angry at myself. I should be on the ceiling with happiness right now, I've just had a baby and he's amazing.
I've been feeling realy depressed and numb for the past week. It's probably hormonal isn't it? I dunno. The doctor has said it's hard to tell if this is just because I suffered from depression anyway or that some people get depressed after having a baby because of the drop in hormones, either way, it's serious and I can't ignore it.
Everytime I hold Tyler I feel really anxious and my stomach churns and I get really scared I'm gonna drop him or summat daft like that. And I can't stop crying. I dunno I just think I'm doing really shit. I've stopped looking after myself properly as in not getting washed and dressed and stuff. I still look after Tyler and give him everything he needs, I'm doing my best to be the best mother I can for him, but neglecting myself just coz I can't be arsed looking after myself, I've got more important people to look after.
Me and Chris are arguing more than ever and it's mostly my fault because my heads all fucked up and I just can't be bothered doing anything. I feel like I've failed now and guilty coz I should be happy, some people don't get this chance or they lose their babies or their babies are sick. So I just feel really selfish and horrible but I think I'd rather speak out about how I'm feeling rather than keep it in and let the problem get worse.
I've said I'd like to try and fight it and not resort to taking tablets to feel better, but judging by how I'm feeling currently, I'm probably going to go back to the anti-depressants if these feelings continue. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2009|11:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
I had my little boy Tyler on the 14th May at 5.05pm weighing 6lb11oz.
He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
I was due to be induced at 3pm that day but got to established labour naturally the night before, after 3 days of pain in the early stages. It all went well until I reached 10cms dilated that afternoon. Then after that things didn't quite go to plan I've not really recovered yet, it takes several weeks. It's a long and interesting story, full of blood, gore, sweat, tears and puke.
( My little man came out through the sunroof! A looooong story - click at your own risk! )
This first 10 days has been good but not at all easy. I love Tyler so much but I'm constantly worrying and crying a lot. It's like I've never wanted to protect anything so much in my life. It's scary. Now I'm fighting every fear and negative emotion with everything I've got, I still have these but nows the time that fighting them really counts. My life is finally worth summat and surviving through all that horrible SHIT that happened to me, was worth it. It might not have been a big deal to some, but I know I very nearly didn't make it. And now I'm so glad I did.
He's a strong baby and he's next to me now asleep, he's dead cute. How did an ugly cunt like me spawn summat so perfect? He must have his Dads hair, coz I know it isnt mine lol. But yeah he's a very cute baby, I could go on about how amazing he is for hours but I'll bore ya's. |
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| Argh! |
[May. 12th, 2009|04:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ouchy | ] |
I've had contractions since Sunday. I know this is it, these are the real fucking deal. Last night they were absolutely crippling, I was in tears. And I lost that plug thing and been losing loads of show stuff all day today. Last night I knew I'd only end up disappointed so I just waited til the midwife appointment today to see what was going on. I got the sweep and it wasnt that bad. As if I laid there laughing while she did it. Tit.
It says in my notes I'm 1.5cm dilated. Shit! I couldn't believe it, and I was sat there thinking "WHAT?!? All that pain just to be a tiny bit dilated" I know that some women don't feel the early stages of dilation and some unlucky fuckers do. I'm an unlucky fucker as far as thats concerned. So I know this isn't established labour yet, but definitely in or bordering on the first stage.
I'm having a long slow one, as I knew I would. I know I cant be like this too much longer anyway so I'm hopeful it will speed up soon, it normally does anyway after the first 4cm. |
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